Monday, Jun. 20, 2005, 11:14 AM

Fight songs and divorce humor

I've been having dreams for the last few nights where I have been fighting people, with like, my fists. That may not seem to be all that odd to most people, but I have an aversion to altercation. I have been in exactly 1.5 physical fights in my life. The half was a sucker punch to the mouth to which I did not respond. The one was a fight with my college roommate that landed me a concussion and the realization that I do a very good job at blocking punches with my head.

So I've been having very realistic dreams where I am walking through town and someone insults one of the people in my group (fiancÚ, friend, bother, etc.) and I walk up to the person very slowly, tell them that they are rude, and as they open their mouth to respond I hit it. Hard. I've been having these dreams for a few nights now. Don't really know what it means. Maybe it is sexual frustration. Maybe it is lashing out because I feel like I am in a bit of limbo in my current situation. Maybe it is, I don't know.

Don't cross me this week. And if you insult me and I walk up and smile real sweet at you, I would recommend that you run. Fast.

My ex-wife would tell you that I had just given you very bad advice. When we were going through our divorce an email to her lover surfaced that contained some line like "I'm not sure how Greg will react right now, so if he comes to the bookstore to confront you I'm not really sure what he's going to do. Usually he is pretty calm, but whatever you do, for God's sake, don't run! He is incredibly fast and he will catch you." It was probably one of the few funny moments in the hell of my divorce for me. She makes me sound like a wild animal. "If you encounter the wild Gregory in the forest, you should maintain eye contact, placate him with chocolate or compliments, and back away slowly. Under no circumstances should you run as the Gregory is extremely fast and agile when in pursuit."

It still makes me laugh. Ah, good times. Well, not exactly, but don't argue with me 'cause I might just punch you today.