Friday, Feb. 20, 2004, 10:56 AM

Naked dreams and cryptic emails

I had several strange dreams last night. In the first one I was trying to shirk work and write an entry for my diary. It seemed more like a deadline than something I would do for fun. I think that there is significance in that. It may be that my perception of the journal is beginning to feel like an obligation as opposed to say something fun and innocuous.

In the second dream I was naked. I hate naked dreams. For whatever reason I had been wandering around a housing development where I was hoping to purchase a house when a couple of attractive young women asked if I would like to join them in tubing down a shallow river. They shimmied out of their clothing and jumped in the water. Not to be outdone, I tore out of my clothes and joined them on a small tube in a tangling of limbs. After rafting for a bit our tube turned into a Viking long-boat of sorts. Most everyone was seated in the middle of the boat attached to an oar, but I was sitting in the bow, still naked. The ship began to fly. It was flying in a hang gliding fashion, or like a paper airplane. I found this out when I attempted to squeeze all the way forward to cover my modesty and the boat rapidly descended because I had unevenly distributed the weight to the front. It was only after I stepped back that the nose lifted and the boat began to rise on a thermal. This was very frustrating and still uncomfortable. After all, I was in the front of the boat naked, with all other people staring forward at me. I decided that enough was enough so I grabbed a pillow and jumped over the side. The pillow acted in the same fashion as the boat. If I held it to my chest and made subtle adjustments to my position on it I could glide around, swooping and rising as though I was riding a wing.

At some point I landed in a grove of trees very similar to the Burton forest in Sleepy Hollow. I was trying to walk through the forest and back to town where my apartment was when I was accosted by a group of three vagrants. These two men and one woman were all homeless, around 40 years in age, and drunk. I realized right away that they were going to try to rob me, so I climbed upon my pillow and began to gain altitude, but not before one of the men grabbed my ankle and pulled me back to earth. I realized that my only option was to convince them that I was armed, so I grabbed the guy from behind in a head-lock and held my first two fingers on my right hand to his neck and told him that it was a knife. He told his buddies to back off and I ran for it, while the woman was yelling and chasing after me that I "ain't got no knife." It wasn't long before I emerged from the forest into downtown Pittsburgh, still naked with only my flying pillow. I removed the pillow case, pulled it down over my head until it tore and my head pooped out the bottom. Stuck my arms up and tore holes through the sides. It was a good approximation of a wife-beater T-shirt, but I was still naked from the waist down.

I began the walk through town to my apartment. I was trying to nonchalantly carry the pillow in such a way that it hung at my side and masked my private areas. This worked as long as I passed a single person or small group of people, but before long the sidewalks were crowded and I found myself with my ass pressed against the wall of a building, holding my pillow in front of me and trying to shimmy along the wall without looking ridiculous. I managed to get to the lobby of my apartment building (which just happened to be in on of the downtown office buildings) and was alarmed to find that I had to pass through a Starbuck's to get to the elevators. This was tricky, but I managed to kind of hopscotch from seat to seat until I got to the far end of the store. There was a cash register set up in front of the elevator doors. It was explained to me that I had to buy something to pass. So I bought two maraschino cherries and found out that I had only enough money for one. I told the clerk that he would just have to sell me one and he said that he had already rung up two, and that his manager wasn't around to void the second cherry so I was forced into buying it. This discussion degraded into an argument that seemed to last forever, and in fact may have had it not been for my alarm clock.

Why can't I just have a normal naked dream where I am in bed with other naked people doing the things that naked people do together?

When I got to work I received cryptic messages in my email that I'm sure have some intrinsic meaning, or at least insight into my dreams. This is what it said:

Now and then, bowling ball around prefer corporation defined by snow. Now and then, waif from submarine figure out haunch around. Dahlias remain psychotic. Jaime, the friend of Jaime and starts reminiscing about lost glory with chestnut for. Debutantes remain statesmanlike, unlike so many toothpicks who have made their rhetorical dust bunny to us. Blood clot beyond is statesmanlike. Oz can do some good tricks, humbug or no humbug, announced Zeb, who was now feeling more at ease, but he had come to consider the air a veritable refuge.

How very interesting that I had come to consider the air a veritable refuge in my dream as well.