Friday, Apr. 11, 2003, 4:16 PM

For my love

My Dearest Mudgirl,

This is much harder than I expected. Distance and physical separation strain the relationship and the person in many ways. I know that the heavy conversations are mentally, physically and emotionally draining. Much more so than if we discussed them in person. I can't help but feel that if we were together our presence would make such discussions less difficult if only for the fact that we would be physically together to offer each other support. It is the case right now that we have committed to support the other forever and yet it is hard to support the physical and emotional aspects without that physical contact and reassurance. I will admit that no other long-distance relationship has been anywhere near this difficult to deal with the separation. I will also admit that the feelings I have for you and us have never run so deep.

I feel in my heart and body and mind and soul that we will be together, that we are meant to be together, and that there is a happily ever after for our once upon a time. It is a bittersweet thing, this separation, that keeps me longing for you every moment of the day and causes me to savor every single second of our time together on the phone and especially in person. But here is the rub -- I feel that I would still savor every moment of our time together if we were not separated and all that would be lost would be the tension of the many intervening miles.

I am set to pick you up from the airport in less than 24 hours. The hands on my watch move at a glacial pace when I think about seeing you and then when I think about all that I wish to accomplish before your arrival they approach the speed of light. I worry about making everything perfect for your arrival. I worry that you will be impressed with my place and my city and my friends and family. I worry that you will not be able to open up to me as you have to others and as you did before our first meeting. I worry about losing you for any reason.

I have opened myself up to you as I never have. I have shared more information with you than with any other single living person. I realize that information is only that, but I have opened my heart to you as well. I have allowed myself to love you. I have known love before for friends and family and in other relationships, but I have never loved like this. It is like the first time for it is the first time for this love, this true love, this everlasting all-consuming mind-bending heart-breaking love. I have rendered myself vulnerable to the ultimate degree. You were correct when you said "both of our hearts would break and you will have to believe me when I say that I am not being overly dramatic" because to lose you would be as bad as losing my life and air and water. I would be torn asunder and fed to the scavengers and scattered to the wind. My only fear in entering into this relationship, this lifetime together is the knowledge that at some point our lives will end. But I suppose that sharing the rest of your life or my life with you is all that I can hope to do.

I am scared. I need your love and support to do this. I need to hear how you feel and how wonderful our lives are going to be until we can live them together without this tension and distance hanging over our heads. I need to know that you feel as deeply and intensely as I do. I need to have you say the words and reassure me. I need these things until I can look into your eyes everyday and realize in your touch everyday that you feel these things too.

I know you feel these things for me and for us. I know that you are absolutely committed to this relationship, as am I. I feel the intensity and passion and dedication in your voice and manifest through the things that you do for me. That is why it is so hard being separated. That is why I cry sometimes at night when we hang up. That is why my heart feels as though it is going to burst with love and longing on a regular basis. That is why I am anxious for and about your arrival. And that is why I know that despite all the world's problems, and any that we may have as individuals or as a couple, that all will be manageable when we are in each other's arms again. And that all will work out, as it should, when we are together forever.

I am so very lucky and happy to have you in my life. I will fight to keep you every day. I will work to ensure happiness and prosperity and joy for us every moment. I will be present for us always, as I never have been able before. I will love you even after the mountains have been worn down to sand on the beach, through every tempest, and with the passion of lemmings running blindly to their doom.

I told you that all that I ever wanted in life was to make something beautiful in this world. You are the most beautiful thing I have ever met or known or imagined existing. There are not enough ships in the world to be launched by your beauty. I know what to do with my life and this desire. I want to make our relationship the most beautiful thing in this world. It already is for me, and I hope for you, and I want it to shine like a beacon for all others. I want the light of our love to outstrip the moon and sun and stars. I am filled with that much passion for you and it grows with each passing moment.

Please take my hand and help me realize all that I might be, all that you might be, and all that we could ever hope and fail to dream of ever becoming. With you in my life I am love, I live love and I breathe love. All that I am is love for you.

Thank you for joy.