Tuesday, Mar. 25, 2003, 2:04 AM

Chocked full 'O nuts

Lo and behold something incredible has occurred. Tonight I made dinner for myself. A good dinner. Fresh broccoli, extra-wide egg noodles and Filet Mignon. I found my new knives to be quite adequate. I set the table with placemats and lit some candles. I played some music and ate my dinner. Although due to my work schedule, this took place at 9:30 at night. Such is life.

We are an office full of men where I work. Men like to have things to read in the bathroom. Due to this fact we are all living in a time warp. Huh? Please try to keep up. Listen, one of my coworkers brings in a bevy of magazines from his apartment which include such educational titles as US Weekly, People, Premiere magazine, and Spin. These are usually preferable to the occasional Discover and Smithsonian that I bring in. The only problem with this arrangement is that they sit at my coworker's house for 3 to 9 months before making their way into our bathroom. So that means that in my view of the world J-Lo is still married to Chris Judd, Angelina and Billy Bob are just beginning to have problems, Brittany is in a new movie, everyone is excited about the upcoming release of 'The Two Towers', and a great many bands will be touring in my area for the holidays. There is also much conjecture over who will be in the Superbowl. I feel so out of touch.

A fun thing to do is to see how people are being driven to or finding your site. In the last two weeks I have been hit by search pages like Google for such bizarre things as "Ex Wife Photos" and "harley wrist watch."

As I was out walking in the mall this weekend I was mired in a sea of teenage girls all walking together and all talking on their cell phones. Were they talking to each other? Have they become so desensitized to actual human behavior and contact that they need to talk to one another via cell phone rather than face to face? This is troublesome behavior. Children have no imagination any more. When I played Star Wars it meant that I pretended to be Luke Skywalker and whatever girl I happened to be with was Princess Leah and we made up the story as we went along. Sometimes I was even lucky enough to have an action figure or two with which to entertain myself. Now the kids just watch the DVD or play video games.

Do you think that the great composers ever expected their great works to be used as cell phone rings? I mean, can you imagine Mozart saying, "This piece is inspired and the bridge will make a great ring. Now all that I need to do is compose a Christmas song for the holiday ring." Or Brahms working hard to land that contract with Motorola? Oh Beethoven, oh Wagner, oh Handel, oh Bach, oh Tchaikovsky and all the other great masters, please rest in piece with the knowledge that your works live on, immortalized in digital annoyance.

How surreal this life, this world, this waking dream through which we walk. How very strange indeed.